Update

My first week in-patient at Hopkins felt like hell on wheels. I had to learn the rules, adjust to not being able to rest, not being able to pee when I had to, not being able to stand up without being told to sit because I was "burning calories," having to eat god awfully spicy vegetables drenched in gross oils and all kinds of other crazy rules that I couldn't grasp how they were helping me get better! All these rules and "protocol" really seemed liked they would just drive me out of my sanity! Getting through the first week was in no way easy, it was the farthest thing from easy! The pain was extremely intense. They were stuffing me with food, probably more solid food than I had had over the last month. My GI system was already so compromised. The food was somehow staying in me which I was surprised to see, but the constipation was agonizing. After my first week as in-patient I started to adjust to the daily schedule. The hardest part, besides the packet of rules to learn was not being able to rest. The daily schedule was rigid and strict to say the least.

Meals felt like they all ran into each other. Saying I was stuffed after each meal as an understatement. By the time the next meal came I felt like there wasn't anywhere for it to go! There is NO WAY I would ever be eating this volume of food without being under the direct care and observation of a medical team. If I tried to eat anywhere close to this amount or type of food on my own at home, I wouldn't have ever been able to bring myself to eat it. I would've worried was it safe? The more food that went in the worse the pain was. 

I jumped the hurdle of "my body can't tolerate solid food" after the first day when a plate of food was placed in front of me and I was told I no choice but to eat it. So I did! I was told as soon as I got here that I had to eat everything that was put in front of me or else suffer consequences or loose privileges. Was I scared of how my body would handle it? Absolutely! My body hadn't had solid food for a year and a half. It did not feel good at all. The first night I was there I had to eat a chocolate brownie doused in rich chocolate icing. I don't remember what the rest of the meal consisted of but I remember that brownie and the aftermath. I was very surprised I didn't throw up after it. I had a headache though because my body hadn't seen that much sugar at once in who knows how long! It was so hard to eat, it felt like trying to eat pure sugar soaked in chocolate..bleh!

The first few days I recognized that I wouldn't have chosen any of the food options they were giving me had I been choosing my own foods. My mind was still in the mode of "I can't digest these solid foods." The first week of the program they choose your foods for you. Then, as long as you are following all rules and completing your meals, you are able to begin choosing your own foods. Along with that goes higher calories. From the day I was admitted to my one week mark they had doubled my calories! Every two days they jumped your calories by 500. It was not an easy adjustment to make at all. I didn't feel like I was adjusting to that amount of food over the course of a few days. It felt like my stomach and intestines were beyond overloaded. 

With the amount of calories they are stuffing in me, I think it's pretty impossible for my body not to be gaining weight! It is not easy but I am getting the food in me and fighting through. The doctors are commending me each day and telling me that I am working hard and doing all the right stuff =) so all I can do is continue to keep my head up and remind myself that I can do this. As painful, exhausting, and difficult it is I want nothing more to get my body healthy and functioning again.

So how did I get through the beginning? I told myself this was basically my last hope so I was going to stick it out and see what happens. Everything I was doing before I came here wasn't getting me any better. My fiance reminded me the first night, "it will suck in the beginning but getting large amounts of food in you again may be what it takes to get your GI system to work again."  Making the best of it, trying to stay present and not stress about the future, lots lots lots of deep breathing and reminding myself that I am in one of the best institutions in the country helped me make it through. I created a facebook group and asked my friends and family to post pictures of animals, words of inspiration, or anything to make me smile so I would have something to turn to when I needed something to give me a little motivation or pick my spirits up. The love and support from all the people I have standing by my side, the doctors and nurses assuring me I was doing the right thing and ASHLEY all helped tremendously. I met Ashley the day I was admitted and she told me it's hard to say the least but after we eat we can be in pain together =) ....and that we were. After the first night we both sat next to each other curled up in pain but patted each others backs, gave each other a hug and have been attached at the hip ever since. I don't know how I would've made it through the first few days, or any of the days there after without her! I tell her everyday we are in this together. We are allowed to cry, we're allowed to be upset, we're allowed to be angry and frustrated but WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GIVE UP.