An Eventful Week

The week of September 21st was an eventful week. 

On Monday, I was commended by my treatment team of doctor's for how hard I have been working and how much progress I have made in this program since my admission. They told me I have been doing AMAZING since I got here: abiding by all protocol, never saying "No" or "I can't," choosing a variety of foods, participating in group sessions and everything we're required to do and truly making every effort to get well.   

I recognized that they are likely not used to hearing anyone say "I'm pretty much lactose intolerant right now, how can you get my body digesting it again because I WANT to be able to eat dairy." I remember the exact words my doctor said when I asked about having dairy again: "you go girl!" I came into this program feeling like I was blindsided. I was told I couldn't stand up, I can't pee when I needed to, I can't rest, and have to abide by to a ton of ridiculous protocols but I stuck to every one of them and it proved to my treatment team that I want nothing more than to get better. 

I feel my body is starting to get stronger; however, I know I still have a long ways to go. It took 4 years for my body to progressively get to the state I was in, so I know it will not jump back overnight. The first time my Mom visited she said she noticed a difference and my face looked so much brighter. I can feel my body is gaining weight and I am confident that it will maintain it =) 

On Tuesday, I had another episode of my heart rate spiking -- it reached over 200 and took longer to break this time. I used the techniques the cardiologists taught me along with lots of deep breathing and it broke after about a half hour. It was scary, but not as scary as the first time. No crash cart or emergency response team in my room this time! I was proud of myself for handling it well and even more proud of Ashley for staying super calm and talking to me through it. The first time I almost sent her into cardiac distress when she saw how high my heart rate got!

On Thursday, I got more incredible feedback from the treatment team commending me on my progress and they told me I would be going to day hospital sometime next week! I am not at my goal weight yet, but they said they are confident I will able to still continue to gain and excel in the program. They feel I am ready for day hospital and I think I am too! 

Day hospital is the next step of the program at Hopkins. The inpatient portion of this program is focused on getting your weight up...and doing it FAST...and getting you medically stable. Until your weight is stable there isn't improvement that can be made. The main emphasis of the program is in the day hospital program. There is a house that day hospital patients stay in about a block from the inpatient unit of the hospital. In day hospital you prepare and cook meals, go out to eat at restaurants, get meals from the cafeteria or fast food places in the hospital, go food shopping, and still participate in the daily program activities, but you have more freedom to go places and have meals on your own. 

The First Few Weeks Inpatient

After the first week I was on 3500 calories a day. I felt like I was eating a house! My body started to adapt to the routine and the schedule. It was still exhausting. After meals I felt like I had eaten a whole buffet of food. Here are a few examples of what the meals consisted of:

Breakfast:

A cup of oatmeal with butter and brown sugar

A Banana

A Muffin

Scrambled eggs

Bacon

Soy Milk

Juice

Dinner:

Roasted Rotisserie chicken (with all the skin!)

Rice with Gravy

A cup of cooked vegetables

Macaroni Salad

A cupcake

Ice Tea

Juice

An Ensure Drink

Within the first few days of eating solid foods again I started having night sweats. I learned this was a normal part of the re-feeding process as your body's metabolism starts to work again. It was a good thing! Although I woke up a few times in a puddle of sweat, I knew it was a good sign that my body was starting to work again. It was working to repair and build tissue and many other functions it had not done in a long time. Along with the increased calories and the night sweats I would get moments of "hot flashes" throughout the day. I may only be 26 years old but yes I know firsthand what hot flashes are like! whew! I would have LOVED to be able to stick my head in a freezer at times.

My abdomen started to feel sore, tender, bloated and achy and I was pretty sure that it was my intestines expanding again and my skin starting to stretch. 

In this program, you meet with the team of doctors each day to discuss any questions you have regarding your treatment or progress. They will not tell you what your weight is - EVER. You will never know what their goal weight is for you or how close you are to your goal weight. They will basically tell you "you're gaining" or "things aren't going well and your weight has plateaued or dropped" and that's about it. 

Each time I met with the doctors they commended me on getting all the food in me and working hard. They reassured me that I am doing the best I can do and that this WILL be a success. In the first two weeks, when the pain was at an extreme, hearing the reassurance from the treatment team and nurses truly made me persevere. I always remember my first doctor told me, "food is the best medicine, and we would not be putting all this food in you if it was not safe for you." Although I was unsure about this approach of overloading my GI system with food, hearing the doctors and nurses assure me that if my body was not capable of handling these foods it would not be keeping the food down made me believe I could do this. This was the first time I truly felt like I trusted and believed in what a doctor was telling me. I believed them and reminded myself that the food I ate before the meal stayed down and if my body couldn't tolerate it wouldn't be keeping it down. I used this as my motivation to get through each meal. 

Each day I met with the doctor's and explained my symptoms and pain, they commended me for pushing through and getting all the food in me. My doctor told me everyday, "you are doing great!" One conversation that will always stick out in my mind was him talking to me about how it felt to be eating all kinds of food again that I hadn't had in so long. One question I remember him asking me was, "so when was the last time you ate a burger?" I told him it hadn't been since 2012 when I was at a barbecue and he laughed and said, "wow, that must be a date that sticks out in your mind." It really was though, I remember eating the burger it tasted amazing, then the next day regretting it because of the toll it took on my GI system, leaving me in pain. 

Although I received continuous reassurance from the team of doctors, for the first few weeks of the program I witnessed my fellow peers in the program struggle with making progress. Having their weight plateau or not reaching their goal weight after a prolonged time in the program. I was afraid and thought to myself, "what happens when it happens to me?" I saw it happening to everyone else. The answer I got from the doctors was, as long as you follow all the protocol, eat all your meals you'll do fine. From my peers, who had prior experience in the re-feeding process, I was told that sometimes your body just starts to slow down even when you aren't purposely doing anything. I was still afraid it would happen to me, and it did. After about 3 weeks in the program I met with the team and they told me my rate of gaining weight had slowed down. They gave me 24 hours to pay attention to how much I was moving around and if I was doing anything "extra" that could be contributed to burning extra calories. If my weight did not go up by the next day I would be put on Inadequate Weight Gain protocol (IWG). It means losing privileges and being monitored excessively to ensure you aren't deliberately doing anything to prevent your weight from going up. That night I piled on as much as I could to my dinner tray (being limited to only a few options) but I managed to choose a giant chocolate cupcake doused in chocolate syrup and icing and the next day found out I did it! I didn't get put on IWG. A few days later, they told me my rate of weight gain was still slowing so they gave me the option of going on IWG or increasing to 4000 calories. I took the calorie increase =) Punishing me wouldn't make my weight go up, but more calories WOULD!

On 9/22 a little over a month since I was admitted I went in to meet with the team and they really spent a good amount of time praising me for all I have conquered. They said from the moment I got here I said I wanted to try and wanted to get well and to this day I have been doing AMAZING. They commended me for taking all that has been put in front of me and never saying "no" or I can't. The one nurse said that despite my concerns of how I would feel physically, I never said No, I always said, "I am willing."

Hearing my peers tell me how brave I am for coming into a program so different from what I thought it would be really helped me stay motivated and continue to fight. 

Homemade Bone Broth

Fall is here! As the weather gets chilly, nothing beats curling up with a nice hearty warm bowl of soup. It’s comforting, delicious and perfect for this time of year! I recently started making homemade broth from scratch. Homemade broth has incredible healing power and is nutrient rich with no added fillers just the hearty, healthy things that nourish you from the inside out. Here is a simple crockpot recipe you can use to make your own homemade bone broth. I use the remains of a chicken carcass, but you can also purchase frozen bones from the food store. They usually will have them if you ask at the meat department. So help your body and immune system stay strong through the winter with this delicious recipe!

Some benefits of homemade broth:

●     nutrient rich

●     organic - no added chemicals or preservatives

●     loaded with minerals you won’t get from canned soup or bouillon cubes

●     lower sodium

●     great support for your immune system

●     helps fight inflammation \

●     tastes so much better than canned broth (ok that’s my opinion, but still ;)

Ingredients:

●     Bones or carcass from a chicken or turkey (you can buy a small rotisserie chicken and use the remains)

●     3-4 garlic cloves (can add more to your liking)

●     3 whole carrots

●     2 onions chopped up

●     1/2 inch piece of fresh ginger

●     4-5 stalks of celery

●     one pepper - sliced into pieces (you can start with half of a pepper if you aren’t a pepper fan)

●     small handful of parsley

●     optional: handful of thick leafy greens like kale or spinach

●     1-2 tablespoons of Apple Cider Vinegar

●     2 teaspoons of sea salt (can add more to the taste)

Directions:

1) Remove all meat from carcass (you can save and use to make soup with!)

2)Place all ingredients in crockpot and cover with water, filling it to the top.

3) Turn to HIGH and bring to a boil. Then cook on low for 6-8 hours. (You can let the broth cook longer than 8 hours, I like to set it up in the morning and then let it cook all day. The longer it cooks the more flavor and nutrients you get! So there is no harm in letting it cook longer!)

** A helpful trick I learned, if your crockpot has handles on the sides, slip the spoon you're using through one of the handles so you can stir it throughout the cooking process**

4) After it cools, strain the chicken carcass and vegetables and viola! you have yourself some delicious bone broth. You can keep the vegetables and use them to make soup if you like!

This broth freezes great! You can store it in the freezer then defrost and use it for cooking, soups, or even to boil rice...it adds great flavor to any dish. You can freeze it in an ice cube tray and keep the cubes on hand and use them like bouillon cubes.

 So don’t throw away that turkey carcass after Thanksgiving next month!! You can stick it in the crockpot the day after Thanksgiving and make yourself some delicious and healing broth! 

The Power of Arnica Gel

As the seasons change and the weather gets colder you may find your body feels extra achy when you wake up in the morning and get that first blast of cold air outside those nice warm covers. There’s nothing worse than waking up after a nice long sleep to find a kink in your neck from sleeping all twisted! That feeling of a bad stiff neck can really interfere with your daily activities and your every move. You can kick that aching, tight, wrenched stiff neck with some Arnica gel and you will be back on your way to feeling like yourself.

As a former dancer and performer, my muscles and my body are frequently overworked. I first discovered Arnica gel when I was in high school, dancing or rehearsing what seemed like every night of the week. I found that the morning after long days and lots of muscle strains I would wake up with an awful kink in my neck. My dance teacher suggested Arnica when I showed up to class one night with my neck all twisted to the side. Sure enough, I purchased it and by the next morning I felt a difference already.

Arnica isn’t just for stiff necks. It can be used for minor muscle soreness, as well as bruises. Ever had a bruise that seemed like it would never go away? After bumping your shin right smack into the corner of your coffee table you wake up the next day with not only a colorful bruise but often a slight bump from the swelling. Arnica works to reduce the swelling and discoloration to relieve that soreness.

It comes in multiple forms such as cream and ointment, but I find that the gel is the best. The gel rubs on smooth, is clear, has no odor and dries within a few minutes of application. It isn’t thick and greasy like some strong ointments. You can apply it up to three times a day. It is made of natural ingredients without any steroids or harsh chemicals and works with your body naturally to reduce muscle inflammation and provide you relief. If you haven’t used Arnica gel before, you don’t know what you’re missing! It can be found in your local drugstore or from amazon.com. 

Update

My first week in-patient at Hopkins felt like hell on wheels. I had to learn the rules, adjust to not being able to rest, not being able to pee when I had to, not being able to stand up without being told to sit because I was "burning calories," having to eat god awfully spicy vegetables drenched in gross oils and all kinds of other crazy rules that I couldn't grasp how they were helping me get better! All these rules and "protocol" really seemed liked they would just drive me out of my sanity! Getting through the first week was in no way easy, it was the farthest thing from easy! The pain was extremely intense. They were stuffing me with food, probably more solid food than I had had over the last month. My GI system was already so compromised. The food was somehow staying in me which I was surprised to see, but the constipation was agonizing. After my first week as in-patient I started to adjust to the daily schedule. The hardest part, besides the packet of rules to learn was not being able to rest. The daily schedule was rigid and strict to say the least.

Meals felt like they all ran into each other. Saying I was stuffed after each meal as an understatement. By the time the next meal came I felt like there wasn't anywhere for it to go! There is NO WAY I would ever be eating this volume of food without being under the direct care and observation of a medical team. If I tried to eat anywhere close to this amount or type of food on my own at home, I wouldn't have ever been able to bring myself to eat it. I would've worried was it safe? The more food that went in the worse the pain was. 

I jumped the hurdle of "my body can't tolerate solid food" after the first day when a plate of food was placed in front of me and I was told I no choice but to eat it. So I did! I was told as soon as I got here that I had to eat everything that was put in front of me or else suffer consequences or loose privileges. Was I scared of how my body would handle it? Absolutely! My body hadn't had solid food for a year and a half. It did not feel good at all. The first night I was there I had to eat a chocolate brownie doused in rich chocolate icing. I don't remember what the rest of the meal consisted of but I remember that brownie and the aftermath. I was very surprised I didn't throw up after it. I had a headache though because my body hadn't seen that much sugar at once in who knows how long! It was so hard to eat, it felt like trying to eat pure sugar soaked in chocolate..bleh!

The first few days I recognized that I wouldn't have chosen any of the food options they were giving me had I been choosing my own foods. My mind was still in the mode of "I can't digest these solid foods." The first week of the program they choose your foods for you. Then, as long as you are following all rules and completing your meals, you are able to begin choosing your own foods. Along with that goes higher calories. From the day I was admitted to my one week mark they had doubled my calories! Every two days they jumped your calories by 500. It was not an easy adjustment to make at all. I didn't feel like I was adjusting to that amount of food over the course of a few days. It felt like my stomach and intestines were beyond overloaded. 

With the amount of calories they are stuffing in me, I think it's pretty impossible for my body not to be gaining weight! It is not easy but I am getting the food in me and fighting through. The doctors are commending me each day and telling me that I am working hard and doing all the right stuff =) so all I can do is continue to keep my head up and remind myself that I can do this. As painful, exhausting, and difficult it is I want nothing more to get my body healthy and functioning again.

So how did I get through the beginning? I told myself this was basically my last hope so I was going to stick it out and see what happens. Everything I was doing before I came here wasn't getting me any better. My fiance reminded me the first night, "it will suck in the beginning but getting large amounts of food in you again may be what it takes to get your GI system to work again."  Making the best of it, trying to stay present and not stress about the future, lots lots lots of deep breathing and reminding myself that I am in one of the best institutions in the country helped me make it through. I created a facebook group and asked my friends and family to post pictures of animals, words of inspiration, or anything to make me smile so I would have something to turn to when I needed something to give me a little motivation or pick my spirits up. The love and support from all the people I have standing by my side, the doctors and nurses assuring me I was doing the right thing and ASHLEY all helped tremendously. I met Ashley the day I was admitted and she told me it's hard to say the least but after we eat we can be in pain together =) ....and that we were. After the first night we both sat next to each other curled up in pain but patted each others backs, gave each other a hug and have been attached at the hip ever since. I don't know how I would've made it through the first few days, or any of the days there after without her! I tell her everyday we are in this together. We are allowed to cry, we're allowed to be upset, we're allowed to be angry and frustrated but WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GIVE UP. 

Green Chocolate Ice Cream

Summertime calls for ice cream but ice cream isn’t available to everyone’s diet.  It’s also not always the healthiest or lowest calorie dessert choice, but who wants to give up ice cream!?! I came across this amazing replacement for chocolate ice cream. It doesn’t look like chocolate ice cream but if you close your eyes and take a spoonful it will taste chocolaty and delicious! And the best part…it’s super healthy and full of lots of nutrients!

This is a great treat to freeze and have on hand whenever you get that craving for chocolate ice cream. Instead of going for the Ben & Jerry’s, you can whip out your chocolate green smoothie!

Ingredients:

• Two handfuls fresh spinach
• Almond milk – about ½ cup (less will make it thicker, more will make it thinner)
•  One banana
•   ½ avocado
• 3 scoops of chocolate protein powder (I use Vega One - All in One Protein Powder)
•  Handful of blueberries
• Drizzle of honey (optional)

Place all ingredients in a blender or Nutribullet and blend to desired consistency. To make it the consistency of ice cream, freeze for at least an hour before serving. You could also add a handful of ice if you don’t have time to let it freeze before eating it. Enjoy! 

Hair Care 101

Summer time means more time outside and thus, more time in the sun. Most of us are aware of the damage the sun can do to our skin. We make sure to lather up on the sunscreen, but have you ever thought about what the sun does to your hair? The sun, hear and humidity can take a toll on your hair in the summer months with extra exposure to the sun, the humidity, sweat and let’s not forget all the chemicals and chlorine in a swimming pool or the salt water of the ocean! So here are a few tips and things you can do to help keep your hair strong and healthy in the summer months:

• Let you hair air dry instead of using a blow dryer and avoid using a flat iron straightener in the summer. Hair is already getting dried out by the humidity and heat in the summer and using a blow dryer or straightener will add to it.

• Use clips to hold your hair back instead of elastic hair ties. Hair ties cause more breakage and creases to your hair. I use small claw clips with the “slip-grip” on them to pull my hair back and it holds really well!

•    Conditioner, Conditioner, Conditioner! Be sure to use a conditioner and let it soak for several minutes in your hair before rinsing it out.

• Use an After Sun Shampoo.  Redken makes an After Sun Shampoo specifically for repairing sun damaged hair. It is made to clean the chlorine out of your hair after being in a swimming pool.

• Use Almond Oil or Coconut Oil – these oils help nourish and restore moisture to the scalp and hair, keeping them strong and less likely to split or break. You can place a few drops in the palm of your hand then apply to your hair along with your conditioner, or choose a conditioner that contains these oils.

•    Avoiding coloring your hair too often in the summer. If you want to go for a full color change it’s best not to do it during the summer months. If possible, try to just touch up your roots during the summer months. With the heat and humidity your hair is already dried out and coloring it will dry it out further. 

•   Trim it! The best way to keep your hair healthy is to cut the dead hair off the end and let new hair grow. So if you find your hair is suffering from all the summer heat, start trimming from the bottom and letting strong, new healthy hair grow! Sometimes it feels better to have a short hairstyle in the summer!

So remember not to just lather up on the sunscreen to protect your skin, protect your hair too as you enjoy the summer months!!!

Pineapple Dip

Looking for a super easy and cool dessert? Try this super simple and refreshing pineapple dip. It is a great dessert to take to all your summer barbecues or gatherings and you can put it together in under 10 minutes!

Ingredients:

• 12 ounce container of Cool Whip (Dairy free substitution: So Delicious CoCo Whip Original OR So Delicious Plain Yogurt)
• 32 oz can of crushed pineapple (or a fresh pineapple, cut and pureed in a blender or bullet)
• ½ cup of shredded coconut
• Optional: 2 tablespoons of brown sugar and cinnamon for an extra sweet kick

Directions:

• Mix all ingredients together and refrigerate before serving
• Serve with: fresh fruit, lady finger cookies, graham crackers, nilla wafers, or any other type of wafer cookie

Homemade Breadcrumbs

Simple and Organic Breadcrumbs

No fake ingredients! These are great for gluten free goers and are much cheaper than store bought gluten free bread crumbs for sure!

you can use any type of bread: wheat, rye, tapioca, corn, etc. 

• Place 8-10 slices of bread in a food processor or bullet and blend until it is ground into fine crumbs
• Mix in 1/4 - 1/2 Tsp. of any seasoning you like Italian seasoning, basil, garlic, minced onion etc.
• Cover a cookie sheet with tin foil and spray with cooking spray
• Spread bread on the baking sheet lined with tin foil and bake on 225 for 10-15 minutes
• Remove from oven and let cool
• Store in a glass jar or ziplock bag. Refrigerate up to a week or freeze any remaining after a week. They keep great in the freezer!
• Enjoy! =)

High Fructose Corn Syrup

Over the last several years I adapted to eating more organic foods and eliminating processed foods with all those unnecessary fillers you don’t need! In the process, I’ve come across some surprising products that contain high fructose corn syrup. I would expect soft drinks, soda, juices etc. to be full of high fructose corn syrup, but dressing? applesauce? I just couldn’t believe some of these! Below is a list of items I commonly use that I found contain high fructose corn syrup. You may be surprised by some on the list! I’ve replaced these items with ones that do not contain high fructose corn syrup and was found I like the taste of the natural ones just as much if not more! Almost of the items on this list can be found in the grocery store as either organic, natural or without high fructose corn syrup.

I started eating local natural honey back in 2012 it has improved my seasonal allergy symptoms tremendously. I love the taste of it, it’s delicious! I will never go back to eating regular store bought honey. I hope you find this list helpful. It was definitely an eye-opener to find out some of the products I had sitting in my pantry are loaded with high fructose corn syrup. So the next time you’re in the grocery store, look for the organic versions of these products and you’ll be on your way to cutting out unnecessary high fructose corn syrup from your diet!

• Dressings, even Italian and vinaigrette ones!
•  Yogurt
• Applesauce
• Ketchup
• Pasta sauce
•  Barbeque and Steak Sauce
• Canned soups – especially tomato soup!
•   Jelly & jams
•  Syrup
• Cereals

Products Free of High Fructose Corn Syrup:

•  Organic Natural Honey
•  Annie’s Naturals Organic Dressings
• Yogurt: Stoneyfield Farm Yogurt, Dannon All Natural Vanilla
• Mott’s Natural Applesauce
• Heinz makes an Organic Tomato Ketchup
• Classico Pasta Sauces
• Bull’s Eye Barbeque Sauce
• Annie’s Organic Soups
• Smucker’s Organic Preserves Jelly (variety of flavors, strawberry, grape, raspberry)
• Log Cabin makes an all-natural maple syrup
• Nabisco Original Triscuit Crackers
• Jiff Peanut Butter
• Nature Valley Granola Bars
• Kashi Granola Bars
• Cascadian farms cereal
• Quaker Life Cereal
•  Post Grape Nuts Cereal
• Chex Cereals 

August Update

It took until the first week of August to get Hopkins to verify that my insurance was now in effect. Now that the insurance was in line I expected it would be soon that I would be admitted (at least I hoped it was!)

I learned that they would not be able to give me more than 24 hours notice of when a spot opened up, and they also didn’t want to tell me where I was on the wait list. They kept giving me the answer of “it will be soon.” So I decided to pack up my life and get ready to literally drop everything and run.

I got the phone call around 10 a.m. on August 20^th. As soon as I saw the number come up on my phone I knew it was Hopkins. They asked if I could be there the next morning and I said, “you bet!” I called my Mom and then had a rush of overwhelming, “Omg where do I start!?!?” I then peacefully reminded myself I already had 90% of my life packed and ready to go.  I finished up all the last minute packing and was ready to go.

Everyone’s reaction when I told them I was going was “yay, that’s so exciting, hooray!” I had one person tell me “don’t be afraid, you’re doing the right thing.” That was probably the best response I got that day. As much as I had longed for it, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and I was so overwhelmed and had so much anxiety about the unknowns….would I wind up on a feeding tube? How long would I be there? What would treatment involve? Would it work, would my body respond?

I was admitted on August 21^st for inpatient treatment and I was in for a real eye opener. The program was MUCH MUCH different from what the doctors made it out to be.  Upon arrival I learned that it would be like being in prison. This program is truly geared toward breaking any and every behavior that could possibly be linked to an eating disorder. Everyone is given the same food, they will NOT accommodate any diet needs or preferences (aka vegetarian, gluten free, etc) You must eat any and all food put in front of you in 45 minutes or else you are taken to an isolation room where you must finish the food.  The list of table rules was pages long. You can only cut certain foods, only certain ways, they tell you the order in which you have to eat foods, and it goes on and on.

Any rules you break will get you penalized and then you lose privileges. You can only have water at meal times and two other designated times during the day. You can only use the bathroom at designated times and a staff member watches you to ensure you are not purging. During the hours of 8 a.m. – 10 p.m. you are not allowed in your room. You must stay in the common area and participate in a rigorous schedule of activities throughout the day, that involve you sitting on your butt and not moving the whole time. Any form of movement or stretching is absolutely prohibited. When you sit both feet have to be on the floor, if you lift your heels it’s considered “exercise and an attempt to burn calories.” This schedule left no time to rest. In the chronically fatigued state I was in, this seemed impossible! You can only shower between 10 p.m. and 8 a.m. and you can only do laundry during those times. They confiscated my yoga and meditation books to read as they were “exercise materials.”

Upon explaining to the doctors that I’m here for a different reason, they said “we recognize that but everything in this program is universal. No exceptions are made for anyone.” Everyone must follow the same protocol and all rules are universal. I was beyond frustrated trying to explain to the doctors that my body is not digesting solid food at this point, and hasn’t been for over a year! They just kept saying, “everyone has to follow protocol, no exceptions.” I really did not think that shocking my system by stuffing it with solid foods and diary that it no longer knew how to digest would help me, I had tried it before and it just made the pain SO much worse.

My first meal didn’t go so well, as they sat a bowl of spicy raw peppers, raw onions, and vegetables doused in a spicy hot sauce in front of me. Two bites in I was in such pain and it was burning as I tried to swallow it. I was one meal in and already broke one of the rules! But I COULD NOT finish it.

My Mom wanted to take me home. Upon learning all this she kept saying, “that’s what people with eating disorders need but you don’t have an eating disorder.” She said she would take me home right then and there but I felt like this was my last hope and I had to try because I have no other options. Just going back home and returning to what I was doing was NOT getting me any better. I had already recognized and accepted that. So I wanted to at least give it a chance. It was overwhelming, I was EXHAUSTED, I had no idea how my body would handle trying to stuff solid food in me when my GI system wasn’t working as it was!

I wanted to curl up and cry that night. But I told myself I would try it for the first few days and see how it went. The day I arrived on the floor I would be staying on I met Ashley, before I was given any of these details about the program or talked to any nurse or doctor. Without Ashley, I may have left that day. She and I clicked immediately and she sat with my Mom a good portion of the day while I was with the doctors and comforted my Mom that I would be ok. We learned how similar we are right off the bat. Both dancers, yogi’s, both have a love for musical theatre and showtunes and so many other things in common. We have leaned on each other’s shoulders, held each other’s hand, and remind each other every day that we will get through this together. 

It has not been easy, but I am not giving up!